When the Holidays aren’t Happy: Holding Grief in this Season

This time of year can be especially painful for those who are grieving. The daylight grows shorter, and we are surrounded by reminders to gather with family, to celebrate the joy of the season, to be merry and bright. The holiday season and the beginning of winter can be challenging for a multitude of reasons and uniquely devastating for those who are grieving and experiencing this season, perhaps for the first time, without their loved one’s physical presence. When you’re grieving, it is normal to feel despair, anger and even dread when you think about the coming holidays or the winter months.  

As with any season of grief, there is no right or singular way to navigate loss. There is no checklist or quick fix that can take the pain of grief away, and I am personally wary of those who rush to offer advice to grieving people. More often, people may need someone to just sit beside them without trying to cheer them up. 

My hope is that the following suggestions will not feel like a to-do list to complete, but an invitation to wonder about what might offer a bit of comfort and support as you grieve in this season:

Release the pressure — It may be impossible to feel the same this year. You may have friends or family express that they want the holidays to be “especially happy since it’s been such a hard year.” It is okay to remind them that you are grieving and that it will likely not feel the same as it usually does.  

Honor what is supportive for you — It is important to honor your own needs in this time, which can be challenging when they are different from others’ expectations of you or the way others are grieving. Everyone holds the ache of grief differently. For example, if a family member expects you to bring the same dish you usually bring, but you don’t feel like cooking it this year, it is okay to share that you won’t be able to bring it or to ask a supportive friend or family member if they would be willing to prepare it instead.

Keep, change, skip, or create traditions — Remember that you do not need to decide how you would like to approach the holidays forever and always — you need only to think about this one year. This year, as you grieve, it may feel right to continue beloved traditions, change them in a way that honors the loss of your loved one, skip them altogether or create a new one that remembers your loved one.  

Express your honest emotions — The holidays are not just a time for joy, celebration and happiness. When you are grieving, it makes sense to feel devastated, hopeless and heartbroken. It may be comforting to find a friend or family member who can really listen to how you are doing, without trying to make you feel better. 

Consider finding a way to honor your loved one — There are many ways to dedicate time and attention to honoring your loved one. If you have little energy (grief is exhausting) but would still like to try something, I encourage you to reach out for help. You may have regularly heard from friends, “let me know if there is anything I can do,” and this could be a good time to take them up on it. 

Here are some possibilities:  

• Choose a candle in your loved one’s favorite color or scent and light it throughout the season.
• Write a letter to your loved one to let them know what the season feels like without them and what you miss most about them at this time of year.
• Dedicate time to talk openly about your loved one by sharing favorite stories and memories with others.  
• Play music you associate with a special memory and share the song and the memory with a friend.
• Eat their favorite meal.  
• If you would like to part with their belongings, you may consider giving them as gifts or having their favorite clothes made into something you can hold onto, like a blanket.

As you consider these possibilities, remember that you know best what is comforting and supportive to you as you grieve. What would you like to add?  

Grief Support Groups  

If you would like to be with other people who are grieving in this season, WakeMed Spiritual Care will offer two, single-session holiday grief support groups, one virtual and one in-person. Our support groups are free and open to people who have experienced different kinds of loss. People most often come to our grief groups after losing their spouse or partner, parent, friend, child, sibling or grandparent. Our groups are not religiously-based, though members of the group are welcome to express their own faith or spirituality. 

Here are the dates for the holiday grief support groups:

• Virtual: Wednesday, December 4, 2024 from 6:30 – 8 pm, meeting virtually via Microsoft Teams
• In-person: Wednesday, December 11, 2024 from 6:30 – 8 pm, meeting in-person on the WakeMed Raleigh Campus (3000 New Bern Avenue)

To attend either of these groups, or to learn more about our next six–week, in-person grief support group starting in January, please email Bereavement Program Coordinator, Molly Williams (molwilliams@wakemed.org). 

Remembrance Service and Blessing

WakeMed Spiritual Care will also host The Longest Night: A Service of Remembrance and Grief to honor people who have died this year and offer support to their loved ones. The service will be available on the WakeMed YouTube channel on December 21, 2024 — the winter solstice and the longest night of the year. 

As we approach this season of waning daylight and prolonged nights, the WakeMed Spiritual Care team offers these words of blessing over you as you grieve:

May you be short on having to pretend happiness,
long on meeting your sadness with tenderness.  

May you be short on judgment from others,
long on company who can witness your grief and hold it with care.  

May you be short on the pressures to “move on” or “let go,”
long on remembering that the love you carry for the ones you’ve lost is always a part of you.  

About Molly Williams, MDiv

Reverend Molly Williams, MDiv, offers spiritual care and accompaniment as people make meaning and find connection amidst grief, loss and change. She understands grief as an act of love and seeks to provide support grounded in an attentive presence and reverent listening. Williams is an ordained Baptist minister (Alliance of Baptists) and holds degrees from Vanderbilt University Divinity School and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. She completed her clinical pastoral education residency at WakeMed and is grateful to continue serving our community. She lives in Durham with her spouse, Andrew, and enjoys reading poetry, swimming and making art.

About WakeMed Spiritual Care

The crisis of hospitalization often raises complex issues for patients and families, which can generate a swirl of emotions including anxiety, anger, grief, guilt and fear.

WakeMed chaplains are available to offer compassionate support and spiritual guidance for you and your family members during a hospital stay. The ministry offered is interfaith with respectful care to people of all belief systems.